i will love... the fall

you know that very first morning while walking to school/work in your comfy sweater, scarf and boots and you realize you can see your breathe in the air? that’s fall.

i adore fall so much. SO SO much.

the other morning i was singing christmas carols in the shower and my roommate was like “what? you think it’s almost christmas?”. ummm yes! christmas is what my entire year revolves around. once it gets chilly outside, i get a little tickle in my belly that says YAY CHRISTMAS!

but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. why is it i love fall so much? well. what is there not to love? pumpkin spice lattes. sweaters. pumpkin pie. tea. costumes. sweaters. soups. cuddles. sweaters. turkey. thanks. falling leaves. sweaters. chilly mornings. and it’s almost christmas excitement!

there is something about chilly weather that makes it impossible not to swoon for some coffee, tea, soup and/or cuddles. there is nothing i’d like more than something/someone to wrap their arms around me while i sip on something warm. of course this can happen any time of the year, but really who wants extra layers of clothing/body heat during the summer (or in the bay area… in LATE september!)? not me. i much rather come home, take off my coat, unwrap my scarf, slip out of my tights and boots, and make love to a warm cup of tea every night.

take this time to be thankful for the things in your life that keep you warm and cozy. notice that the kids are thrilled with their halloween costumes, and secretly looking forward to presents at christmas. notice that another year has gone by with the ones you love. notice that at this time last year you had no idea you’d be here now, but you’re glad that you are. notice that everyone around you is a bit more hustley and bustley than they were this summer, but you love them just the same. notice that you can always count on this season but you better love it while it lasts.

i have always loved fall. and now i will love sharing it with a new someone and a new family.

“The Light”

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don’t even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

You are the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs
Such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun
Nothing better than this, oh, and then the storm can come
You feel just like the sun
Just like the sun

And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light

Never mind what I knew, nothing seems to matter now
Ooh, who I was without you, I can do without
No one knows where it ends, how it may come tumbling down
But I’m here with you now
I’m with you now

And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light

Let the world come rush in
Come down hard, come crushing
All I need is right here beside me
I’n not enough, I swear it
But take my love and and wear it over your shoulders

And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light

One year ago today was the first time I heard this song. Little did I know what it would mean. Little did I know that I wouldn’t ever hear it again without going numb. Little did I know that I would avoid playing it at all costs. Because a year ago today, we lost a mother and daughter unlike any I have ever known.

Jacki and Janessa Greig, victims of the San Bruno fire, were role models of what a mother and daughter should be. The Greig family has been an inspiration for my family almost all of my life. I met Gaby when I was eight through Ballet Folklorico and to this day I call her one of my most precious friends. Through the years we’ve seen each other less and less, but the time only adds to the excitement and the collection of stories we must catch up on when we do finally see one another. Gaby and her family are the most generous and genuine people I know. Not a single moment with them was ever one that lacked kindness, love and exceedingly good intentions.

Anissa and I used to wonder if there was some sort of magic that Gaby and Janessa had. Sisters argue. Sisters bicker. Sisters get on each others nerves. But even during these moments it was obvious that Gaby and Janessa really cared for one another and love as innocent and beautiful as theirs just isn’t what we see everyday. Gaby and Janessa were put on this world to show the rest of us what life is all about. What it means to be a family. What it means to do kind things for one another in a heartbeat. And what it means to love.

At my cousin’s confirmation service the priest said a few words about Janessa. He told the church, “those that knew Janessa were blessed, because you met a Saint. Janessa Greig is a Saint”. And I really do believe that. Janessa touched every person she met and encouraged them to be the best possible versions of themselves. Janessa was incredible due to her own radiating heart, but also due to the love and support she had from her mother, sister, father and family. Although her life was cut short, I do believe that she never took a day for granted, and touched every life she encountered.

Jacki was a devoted mother and wife and someone I wish I could one day be like. Everything she did for her family, she did with love. She made my sister and I feel proud of our accomplishments, and I can only imagine how proud she was of her own talented daughters. Jacki was the mother of two brilliant girls, one of which will continue to take on the world through determination, affection and inspiration. I hope she can see her now, because all of us here are dazzled by the strength and beauty beating strong in Gaby. As James must know, Jacki and Janessa continue to live and breathe through her and we are all blessed by them.

I feel as if it is not my place to say these things, for I have only friendship to connect me to these remarkable people, but I hope to speak for those of us who were lucky to have them in our lives. We were all touched. We were all saddened. But we will always love and remember our dear friends Jacki and Janessa.

i will love... strangers i have grown to love

“strangers”. but are they really? i can’t tell you how blessed i am to have met such beautiful people through music and the internets.

i don’t know how to properly explain this without backing it up with some examples…

mel. probably the first of my so called “internet” friends. enthusiastic and hilarious, she accompanied me during the worst of my fangirl phase and together we discovered a brilliant branch of musicians.

sierra. my fellow bay area music lover who left me for the magic of brooklyn, but who taught me the life of live music and friendship.

ander. the future father of my children. well… or so he promised a few years back. ander is a weetinylittlekid with a huge heart and a lot of musical goodness to go around. he inspires me to continue to love writing and sharing with you all. http://anderlucia.moonfruit.com/

drew. someone i am so so happy to have met. he introduced me to so much of what i know and love today and encouraged me to consider singing outside of my shower walls. where would i be without that push? i don’t know. http://drewpearce.com/

lori. i literally sat here for 5 minutes straight trying to think of a single description that would somehow say it all. lori is one of those people i simply fell in love with from the moment we met. i may be just an annoying teenager to her, but she has helped me through some pretty rough spots and has inspired me more than she’ll ever know. i joke that we have enough in common to be soulsisters or something, but in all honesty i could only wish for such an honor.

erin. the big sister i never had. i can’t tell you how much i love this woman. she’s currently showing me the ropes on just about everything. she made me realize that being human is just about the best thing we’ve got and we better take advantage of it. i am her “little one” and she tries to act like she’s so cool sometimes, but really we’re just one big fat load of love for each other. http://socialshindig.tumblr.com/

emily. my wifey. we decided one day that boys are dumb and men aren’t much better, so if we never find ones we’re happy with, we’ll always have each other. with em, it started off as jealousy. something about her makes her everyones friend, and i am still pretty jealous. but you know… thank god. i get to be her wife.

cassidy. the girl that makes my marriage complicated. no, in all seriousness, she is a ridiculously talented songwriter that apparently loves sharks… who knows. but i’m so glad to have her as a friend. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Cassidy-Andrews/191164180945087?ref=ts

grace. dancer, writer, photographer… this girl has got it all. grace is so far beyond her years i can’t find an age for her. her heart, mind, and confidence will literally blow you away. she’s taught me a lot about loving myself and i love her for that. http://50extraordinarywomen.com/

macyk. that hipster i always wish i could be. macy is adorable and sweet and uber talented! she really doesn’t get just how great her music is because she refuses to share more of it! i love it so much! www.facebook.com/macykmusic

cara. an old woman in a little girls body. sometimes i don’t get how such a little person can have so much passion, talent, and wisdom. i swear we would be best friends if we didn’t live on separate coasts. http://www.carasalimando.com/

yvonne. probably the sweetest person ever. i tell allie that she has the best mom in the world (other than my mom) and she doesn’t really fight me on it. she’s like wonderwoman… i cannot wait until i meet her, because i have to see for myself that such a person exists. yvonne is mother to so many young women already, and yet they keep rolling on in because they all hear about her sincerity and ability to comfort us all. http://yvonnemoss.blogspot.com/

these people have helped me so much along they way and i can’t believe how blessed i am to be friends with them all. slowly but surely i will meet them all someday.

i will love who music and the internet have given me. they’ve inspired me in ways you can’t imagine. they are no strangers at all.

i will love... the loves of my life

me: oo you have a favorite cousins list! what is it?

nelia: can’t tell you. i’m too shy.

me: why? am i at the end of the list?!

nelia: hehe. noo… you’re not in it!

very funny. well even though i may not have made it on Noelia’s list, she’s on mine! behold… these are four of my favorite people in the world. talented, gorgeous, BOSSY little creatures that make my life worth living. not sure how close you all are with your family, but us Romeros are glued at the hip. i can’t go a week, let alone a few hours without running into them… but that’s all about to change.

i know. just across the bridge. just around the riverbend. i get it… i’ll be home often. but i won’t be home. i’m the first ever of my family to leave and live on campus and it scares the beegeebees out of me. i’m the big sister. and i’m gonna miss the heck out of these children. who else would obsess over little mermaid with me? who else would give us all pennies in our giftbags for christmas? who else would give me so much attitude? i don’t know what i’d do without them.

i’m just scared i’m going to miss things. cakes and presents, kinderconcerts and recitals, inside jokes and Lita stories. these are my babies. my love-its. my monkeybutts. they’ve taught me more than they’ll ever know. supposedly, i’m the oldest. i’m the rolemodel. i’m the Mere/Me/Ama/Amale that they look up to. but they have taught me the importance of laughter even when others are serious, fun even when it’s past bedtime, love even when mistakes have been made, and food even when it means getting a stomachache.

some kids give me the advice not to visit home often. “sever the ties” and whatnot. but i’m afraid i won’t. my love-its need me, and if they don’t, then i know i need them.

“amare, when you go to college i’m gonna miss you a lot. a lot a lot like all the way how tall i am!” i’m gonna miss you more. i will love you forever. i’ll like you for always. as long as i’m living my babies you’ll be.

i will love... sweatermen

i have to be careful on this one. i can’t give away the secret that withholds all of my desires can i? well… for starters if you haven’t heard of this so called “sweaterman”, you obviously do not know me very well. a sweatermen is my form of a prince charming, the perfect man, the sexiest type of creature alive… my husband. you get the point.

so where did this sweaterman idea come from? why that’s easy! my incredible obsession with grey sweaters. i don’t know when or how it started but grey sweaters are just about my favorite piece of male clothing in the entire world. something about sweaters is so so adorable yet irresistibly sexy. but the key is it has to be just the right sweater. none of those “i’m a preppy prick” sweaters… might as well ask for the check hun. wear just the right sweater and i swear you’ll own my heart, at least until i know the real you.

but what type of sweater they all ask me. for heaven sakes, haven’t i made it easy enough? have i not already told you my pathetic excuse of a fantasy man? if i went out to buy you the damn sweater, i’d have my man by now. plus, it’s not the stupid sweater i care so much about… it’s the man in it. the type of man to take the time to find my kind of sweater. the type of man who wants to be the right guy for me. the type of man who doesn’t ask but just does. that is the type of man who looks so goshdarn handsome in one. but you know… what do i know about men huh?

i know this much: i will love you forever sweaterman and i will find you. i promise you that.

i will love... my body

“i have more boobs than you and i’m a boy!!!”. joey from the fifth grade felt the need to yell that out across the lunchtable in front of a cafeteria full of elementary school kids. and it crushed me. i knew i didn’t have boobs, but pointing and laughing at them wasn’t really my favorite thing to hear…

my point is not that i still hold a grudge on a 9 year old boy that teased me in the lunchroom, but that everyone is insecure about their body at some point or another, especially young girls. we get it from the media, our peers, even our family… when is any girl ever happy with her body? rarely do people sit around smiling about their stunning hazel eyes or their lovely cheekbones… but girls can go on and on about how they are too fat or too skinny, too pale or too dark, too tall or too short, too flat or too voluptuous, too boney or too curvy, and the list goes on. it’s sad to see girls struggle with a constant hatred of these “imperfect” parts.

even my 12 year old sister can’t go a day without looking in my mirror and spewing some hatred out at it, or poking fun at my small chest or how i have my father’s nose. there is no such thing as a perfect body, nor should their be, and we need to stop obsessing over something we do or don’t have.

as for me, sure i’m insecure… but i don’t let it get to me like some people. yes, i have my father’s nose. yes, i cringe a little every time i find a photo of my profile. yes, i am so to speak “barely there”. yes, my thighs are almost the size of my waist. yes, i think i have ugly toes. yes, my hair is constantly frizzy. but what i don’t ever think about is the shape of my eyes and how they brighten my face, or that i have a dimple when you get me to smile, or how i have killer hipbones and my thighs really aren’t so bad… we all have our beauty parts, but the actual key to making them shine is confidence. it’s really the sexiest thing you can have, and you don’t need plastic surgery to get it.

treat your body with respect. have some confidence. and love where you’ll be because of it.

i will love... being a romantic

you know when we were five and we played “house” and i put on my toy apron and cooked some plastic hamburgers for my imaginary husband? well… let’s just say “playing house” never really left my things to do list. i may not put on aprons (that you know of) and cook plastic patties, but i do still daydream about what it would be like to be a wifey. i know… i know… my friend Grace would cut me in half if she knew the stories i make up in my mind… but i can’t help it! this is not to say that i don’t want a husband that helps cook and clean and take the kids a bath… but i simply adore the idea of being his wife.

but anyway… believe it on not i’ll save the wedding/marriage post for another day… this one is about being romantic. what does that even mean? so i like birdies and wifeys and adding “ies” and “eys” to the end of words… other than that i’m known for seeing the good in things, before worrying about the bad. i know that can get me into trouble if i give people the benefit of the doubt, but my point is why not? be careful, but still… how can you live a pleasant life if everything you approach you already think is defected or malicious? i rather not live that way.

and sometimes it gets tough… you know the dark thoughts that creep up and absolutely consume me some of the time? those kind of suck. being a romantic pretty much means feeling everything 10 times more than most do. so much sometimes that it really gets old. but i’ll take it. i’ll take it as long as i get to have my sweet moments and happily ever after fairytales.

i’ve always known this. it’s actually something i take pride in. how many people do you meet that still believe in fairies and magic and true love? i like that i’m willing to bare my heart to all who wish see it. but… some people don’t… quite understand it. some people are afraid. i don’t think i will ever ever forget the night someone told me that i was too romantic and sweet. too.romantic.and.sweet. makes sense right? hmm there could be several reasons why they felt that way but very well then i said my goodnight, hung up the phone and realized that they had just given me the biggest slap in the face of my life. why, ask me to be a little less me? a little less everything i know and love about myself? i don’t think so. never. ever. will i change myself for someone. never will i be less of the thing that makes me the happiest. i know that i can be a crazy mess, sometimes i drive myself up the wall with my ideals… but hey, it’s something pretty rare in this cynical world we live in. if it’s too much for you, i apologize. i am truly sorry for your loss.

i will love the magic that i know i have. i will love the wife that i know i will be. i will love being exactly who i’ve always been.

i will love... goodmornings and goodnights

this deserves a post right?

oh… the magic of a goodmorning text, or a goodnight fight over who hangs up first… or better yet a phone call til you both fall asleep. don’t take them for granted ladies and gentlemen, for they are so so sweet. they really do make the world a difference no matter how old or new a relationship is.

note: if i don’t receive goodmornings from my husband after 15 years of marriage, he simply does not deserve me.

well… now that that’s settled, i will briefly explain why we all love them so much… mornings: dreadful aren’t they? if you are not a morning person like me you know that the moment you wake up, you want nothing but to fall back into that lovely dream you were having about kissing Ryan Gosling in the rain after having found out he wrote you 365 letters … but then you glance at that little blinking light coming from your phone on the night stand and you force your glued-shut eyes open just enough to read a goodmorning message. and there. your day just got better. it’s as simple as that people.

i will love these goodthings because they are darling, but no, i don’t need them. heck i’ll be perfectly happy with a chocolate bar on my nightstand to get me smiling, but this is nice.. fewer calories you know? good stuff.

i will love... my own medicine

i struggled to find a proper word for what it is that i am loving… is it happiness? is it summer? is it the hippie trends i’m starting to follow? is it the fact that i’m single? well, yes. and no. i’ve started this “new breathe” of my life where i take charge of what it is that makes me happy.

i know that it won’t be perfect and i can’t magically escape the overwhelming pull of sadness that comes and goes, but i realize that only i can pull myself out of it. not that other’s don’t affect my mood- i’m afraid i’m one of those chameleon children that take on other’s emotions too easily- but i shall try my hardest to separate my feelings from those around me.

if you know me well enough, you know that i haven’t exactly been the happiest and most stable creature for the past few months for various reasons. i made the mistake of taking on a role of helping someone i clearly couldn’t help, because i was not well myself. things got complicated when i couldn’t decipher whether my worries were my own or someone else’s. in the end, i decided to draw myself away from the “destruction” and do a bit of “cleaning up”.

i physically fought the stomach aches each morning and jumped right into my day. i mentally fought out memories and worries. i started taking walks alone in the evening. i fell in love with tea. i bought a woman’s philosophy to happiness book. i met someone who makes me feel worthy. all good things… but what really woke me up was the realization that i am doing this for myself. at this moment in time my life and wellbeing should really be at the top of my list of things to do. i’m not a wife. i’m not a mother. i’m not a significant other. i am my own everything, so why not take care of myself?

this may sound like i’m claiming to have stumbled across a great revelation, but i assure you i admit that i am still rather clueless. however, realizing that my own medicine is what is making the stomachaches, the headaches, and the heartaches go away, is quite lovely. i will love… this feeling. i love it.

I will love... my age

i know… coming from the girl that can’t wait to hang birdcages and twinkling lights from the trees on her wedding day, it’s weird right? but yes, i love my age. when do we get to be this young again? when else can we make mistakes and blame it on our youth? when will our bodies be this ready for the next adventure? when can we give so freely of ourselves, maybe hurt a bit, but jump right back up and onto the battlefield once more?

the truth is…we can’t do this forever. if we let this time slip by without seizing the day, we’ll end up… well… not so content with it all. like i said, we’re only here for the time being. it’s practically our job to be youthful and reckless; better sooner than later, because heaven knows what a midlife-crisis looks like…

so take it day by day. live the ups and downs without worrying about an end. the highs can be wonderful, and the lows can be dreadful… but without either one of them we’d be a soulless bunch. it’s hard to imagine, but one day we can’t make these mistakes without severe consequences. not to promote reckless behavior, but seize what’s being given to you. be wise about what you get yourself into, because that too will affect your future, but also remember that you’ve lived through enough to make your own decisions and take your own falls.

and as for me, i must learn to listen to my own advice. i admit that i get caught up in future plans and practicality and maybe i should do more just for fun. i have to work on loving myself at every point in my life. i came up with a sort of motto a few years ago, “one day i’ll be the person i don’t know i am yet”, and yes, i will, but i also have to remember to be the person that i know i am now. i have so much faith in the beauty of the life that lies ahead of me, but i’m losing the life i’m living as i speak.

each day love. and love each day.

I Will Love... this blog

This is a blog dedicated to the art of learning to love. My name, Amaré, means “I will love” so it makes sense that I would be a hopeless romantic right? Well, yes in fact I am. A very huge one at that, and I quite love it. Except, sometimes loving too much can be rather dangerous. I do not wish to label myself as “fragile” but too much of anything is never good. Too much “feeling” certainly weighs one down. So… in order to put my romantic (and insane) thinking to good use, I will attempt to conjure up some of my thoughts and share them with you in an honest and hopefully insightful way. If anything… I will continue on with my quest to live up to such a name. I will love….. I will love what? I will love who? I will love when? Honestly, I haven’t the slightest idea. But here goes nothing…

Love,

Amaré