i will love... my own medicine

i struggled to find a proper word for what it is that i am loving… is it happiness? is it summer? is it the hippie trends i’m starting to follow? is it the fact that i’m single? well, yes. and no. i’ve started this “new breathe” of my life where i take charge of what it is that makes me happy.

i know that it won’t be perfect and i can’t magically escape the overwhelming pull of sadness that comes and goes, but i realize that only i can pull myself out of it. not that other’s don’t affect my mood- i’m afraid i’m one of those chameleon children that take on other’s emotions too easily- but i shall try my hardest to separate my feelings from those around me.

if you know me well enough, you know that i haven’t exactly been the happiest and most stable creature for the past few months for various reasons. i made the mistake of taking on a role of helping someone i clearly couldn’t help, because i was not well myself. things got complicated when i couldn’t decipher whether my worries were my own or someone else’s. in the end, i decided to draw myself away from the “destruction” and do a bit of “cleaning up”.

i physically fought the stomach aches each morning and jumped right into my day. i mentally fought out memories and worries. i started taking walks alone in the evening. i fell in love with tea. i bought a woman’s philosophy to happiness book. i met someone who makes me feel worthy. all good things… but what really woke me up was the realization that i am doing this for myself. at this moment in time my life and wellbeing should really be at the top of my list of things to do. i’m not a wife. i’m not a mother. i’m not a significant other. i am my own everything, so why not take care of myself?

this may sound like i’m claiming to have stumbled across a great revelation, but i assure you i admit that i am still rather clueless. however, realizing that my own medicine is what is making the stomachaches, the headaches, and the heartaches go away, is quite lovely. i will love… this feeling. i love it.